More Old Claire

I still have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to Claire's baby days! Here are a few more pictures and stories of what it was like when Claire was an itty bitty baby...



In April our shower leaked into our kitchen for about the billionth time. We decided to redo not only the shower, but the entire bathroom. Jeff, his dad, Ron, Thomas, and Matthew (even though it was like 2 days before his and Alexe's wedding!) all came and helped out when they could. Our house was a disaster, so Claire and I went to stay at Ann and Don's. Claire was still pretty difficult at this point, but was starting to become a little more relaxed and easy going. She was also starting to smile and show happiness much more often!




Claire loved to watch Baby Einstein DVDs. I didn't love sticking my infant daughter in front of the tv at such an early age and felt bad doing it, but many days it was the only thing that calmed her down and gave us some peace. Note the little holes in the bouncy seat frame by her knees. Yeah, they were for a toy bar that lit up and played music and was supposed to keep her attention. A toy bar just wasn't going to cut it with Claire!




Our little peanut had good head control from an early age, but was too short for her exersaucer. Nothin' a pack of copy paper couldn't fix!

 Check out how big our girl is getting! She was really at the tail-end of the fussiness by this point, though it was still another month before she was truly pleasant to be around all of the time!




Cutest. Baby Girl. Ever. Disagree...I dare you.




Blurry, but her first taste of rice cereal.




Success!

In case you needed more convincing that she was the cutest baby girl ever.

Someone likes her sweet potatoes! And check out that bald head...poor girl literally didn't have so much as one hair on her head when she was 5 months old. A little teensy bit of peach fuzz, but that was it for months and months!



I could be all profound, but I've got nothing. So, until next time...

New Beginnings...and Sad Goodbyes

First of all, today was gorgeous. Like, absolutely the most beautifully perfect day you could ever dream of seeing. Adam and his friends graduated from Hobart and William Smith and it could not have been more perfect out for their ceremony.


Claire and I went to the ceremony because Claire's "College Friends" are all leaving (or have left!) town. I couldn't bear to explain to her that she won't see her friends anymore. She loves them so much and I know that it will break her little heart when she realizes that they aren't coming over to play anymore. She got all dressed up and has been talking about "graduation" (despite the fact that she had no idea what that truly meant) for weeks now.




Check out the paper in her hands. She sat this morning at her little table in the playroom and decorated cards for Adam, Trevor, Lauren, and Emma. Each card had a different design and she had me write notes to each person inside. She wrote her name as best as a three year old can inside. Those cards? They are filled with a whole lot of love. She carried them from the time we got there until the very end of the ceremony, when she handed them out to her friends.




Um, is someone texting and trying to hide it with his newly-earned diploma? Yup, yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what's going on here.




We needed to take a cookie break partway through!




So happy and so much to look forward to...yay, Adam!!
















Congratulations, Adam, Trevor, Lauren and Emma! We love you!

Vintage Jack, Vol. 1

Jack is 13 months old today. I cannot believe how fast the last year has gone. It does not seem possible that my baby is 13 months old, but at the same time, I can barely remember life without Jack. Without further ado, a look back at Jack's early days...aka my most favorite days of my entire life, tied only with the first couple of weeks of Claire's little life...




Let's start by saying, boy did this kid like to sleep. Swaddle him up, stick him in the bouncy seat, and that was it. He would sleep for 3 or 4 hours straight. Wake up, eat, poop, repeat. Jack literally slept through the first 5 weeks of his life. I'm pretty sure there are about 725 pictures of Jack sleeping. I was so grateful to have a calm, easygoing baby after what Claire had put us through when she was a baby. I spent my entire pregnancy with Jack anxious about how I would take care of a 27 month old and a newborn because the only newborn I knew was Screaming Crying Claire Elizabeth. Whenever I pictured life with another newborn, I pictured walking around and doing the bouncing-patting-shushing-rocking-holding-the-pacifier-in-the-mouth routine I was used to. Thankfully, that was never the case. In fact, I don't ever remember having to do that routine even once with Jack (though I could be having selective memory problems). We were blessed and I was beyond thankful.





Sleeping...and looking very thoughtful. I remember the first night we realized we could actually eat dinner at the same time and have Jack sleep or sit in the bouncy seat. When Claire was a baby we had to eat in shifts because she had to be held all of the time. If we set her down she screamed, and we refused to just let her cry so that we could eat together. Instead, we took turns eating and holding. Jack, on the other hand, was completely content to just hang in the bouncy seat not only during dinner, but any time we needed him to sit and relax so that we could get something done.





Uh, yup...sleeping again!





One of my most favorite pictures from when Jack was a newborn. And look! He's actually awake!





My sweet babies





Sleeping...again. Only this time, we were outside. I remember this day so clearly. Jack was about 10 or 11 days old and it was a gorgeous day. All Claire wanted to do was go outside and blow bubbles. All Jack wanted to do was nurse. Luckily, Claire was very patient and was such a good big sister. We tried to go out, only to have Jack start screaming. We went back inside, I fed him (again), and finally, we made it back out.





I think Claire only got about 15 minutes of bubble blowing in before it was time to go in for lunch and her nap. And so began my quest to try and keep everyone happy and balanced...





I wasn't kidding. There are a lot of pictures of Jack sleeping. If I hadn't taken sleeping baby pictures, I would have no pictures of Jack as a newborn!





We went to the zoo when Jack was about 2 weeks old. Clearly, he loved it there!





Sleeping on Mama, still at the zoo.





Sleeping on Mama after a long day at the zoo.





I know I'm biased, but we obviously have the cutest kids. Ever.





When Jack was 3 weeks old we took the kids to Strong Museum. Yes, Jack slept through the whole trip. I know you're shocked.





I promise, the next installment of Vintage Jack will have pictures of him actually awake and lovin' life...

I Remember When...

I was looking back at some of Claire's baby pictures and it brought back some great memories, like...

We were out and about and Miss Claire got hungry.  Instead of hightailing it back home like I did the first few weeks of her life, I sat in the backseat of the car, nursed her, then passed her up front to Daddy to get changed.  Note the strategically placed Coke bottle and wallet, meant to keep her from doing a big old face-plant into the back of the seat!

After 6 weeks of not sleeping and a very colicky baby, I was getting desperate.  I had read about slings and baby-wearing, so I decided to give it a try.  I drove (by myself with Claire!) up to Rochester and bought the sling.  The first time we tried it she slept for 2 hours straight and I got a nice little break.  Needless to say, she spent a lot of time in there from then on.  It makes sense that babies love to be "worn"...they spend those first nine months all warm and protected on the inside, can you imagine how scary it is on the outside?  And then we expect them to be okay with us putting them down, when really, all they want is to be close!  Claire was much happier snuggled up next to Mama.

 

Meeting her cousin Natalie for the first time!

I remember this day so clearly.  It was our first big outing without Daddy, but JoJo did come with us to help!  We went to Eastview Mall and walked around and did a little shopping.  We bought Claire some cute summer dresses.  She did really well, though we did spend an awfully long time in the Mothercare room, since she wanted to nurse for an extra long time and I was not so comfortable with the whole nursing in public thing back then!  This picture says, "Whew!  We survived!  We had fun and we can definitely do it again!"

This picture is just so telling of Claire as a baby.  She was constantly on edge.  She never relaxed, not even when she was sleeping!

One of my all-time favorite pictures of Claire.  We were all ready to go for our first walk outside with the stroller and it was gorgeous out.  This was one of those times when I realized that I never have to feel lonely because I always have my little built-in friend by my side!  And seriously, how cute is this baby??

I love this little smirk and the way she was pointing at me.  She was getting to be so expressive!  Shortly after this picture was taken I had to go back to work.  It was heartbreaking to leave her every day.  As hard as it was to take care of her, what with the incessant crying, it made me so incredibly sad to leave her every day.  I constantly felt like a terrible mother, but not working was just not an option.  I put this picture on my desk at work and when I felt sad and missed Claire, that beautiful face always made me smile and got me through my day.  I still have this picture, tucked away in my desk, and although it's been replaced with newer photos, I still look at it every now and then to remind me of those baby days!

Well, what do we have here?  It looks like someone found her hand!

And just for fun, a very rare picture of Mommy and Daddy out having fun (at Uncle Matthew and Aunt Alexe's wedding!)

I'm Only a Mom Because...

...of two very special little people in my life. 

Claire, my first born...my baby who taught me what unconditional love feels like.  My smart, sweet, funny little girl.  You make me smile every day just by being yourself.  You are independent and want to do everything for yourself.  As much as it is frustrating, like when I am in a hurry to get to work and you insist on buckling your car seat yourself, I know it is a necessary part of you becoming your own person.  And I smile a little to myself because you don't realize how much you still need me...and I don't know what I'll do when you truly are an independent person and do not need me (as much!) anymore.  You are caring and show love and understanding to everyone you meet.  My little performer, always putting on a show either by singing, dancing, or just having fun and being silly.  My girl who helps me remember to slow down and enjoy life, particularly when you point out the spring flowers outside of our house every morning when we leave.  Without you I may not have noticed yesterday on my way to work that my entire lilac bush is in bloom and that it smells wonderful.  I love you, baby.

And Jack, my handsome little man.  My serious guy who takes time to figure out things.  Who will sit and play by yourself for over an hour, exploring the toys, figuring out how things work, and putting things together.  Who tried last week to jam my mascara tube down the heating register in the bathroom.  My thinker.  My special baby who taught me that my love could double, that my heart could expand further than I ever dreamed possible.  You still need me to do everything for you and I love it.  You are over a year old and you don't sleep through the night but it's okay because I get to cuddle with you in your dark, quiet room, hold you and snuggle you until you drift back asleep.  Most nights I fall asleep with you, resting my cheek on your head, and I love it.  I complain about being tired, but I know that someday you will sleep all night long, you won't need me anymore at night, and I will miss it.  I don't let you cry yourself to sleep because someday you will learn on your own how to go to sleep without crying, but right now, you need me.  And that makes me feel like the most important person in the world.  I love you, buddy.


Thank you, Claire and Jack, for letting me be your mommy.

One word: Colic

Before Claire was born I, like every other mother out there, had such ideas of how my maternity leave was going to go.  We'd get up in the morning to see Daddy off to work, relax, have breakfast, cuddle on the couch under the fluffy white Pottery Barn blanket, do some errands, and just enjoy each other.  The sun would bounce off the snow outside, making it bright and cheery in the house while we cozied up.  I'd have dinner made and Jeff and I would enjoy it together while Claire sat in the bouncy seat.

The reality of life after Claire was born: I was up all night long nursing Claire and rocking her, so if Jeff made even the slightest bit of noise when he got up I wanted to throat punch him.  Poor guy.  It was so darn cold that winter that I had the heat cranked to 72 and all of the shades drawn to try and keep the warm air from escaping through our drafty old windows.  Leaving the house was next to impossible, as Claire liked to eat about every hour and a half.  And the next nursing session always started an hour and a half from the start of the last one.  If she ate at 2:00 for 45 minutes she inevitably wanted to eat again at 3:30.  Forget leaving the house.  I was able to get a shower in, but she'd no doubt be screaming by the time I got out.  Sometimes the noise of the hair dryer calmed her long enough for me to at least get my hair dry.  Forget cuddling under the blanket.  Claire needed to be on the move, constantly.  She had to be in perpetual motion or she started screaming.  And forget the bouncy seat or swing, because the perpetual motion had to come from me, not some inanimate object.  We'd pace around the house, never sitting down, while I rocked her, shushed her, and simultaneously patted her bottom while holding the pacifier in her mouth.  I'd get her settled and try to ease onto the couch and the crying would start up.  Again.  Remember those 50 pounds I gained when I was pregnant with her?  People were astonished that I lost it all by the time she was about 10 weeks old.  Everyone asked, "How did you do it?"  It was simple: We were constantly walking around the house and because she was always screaming and wanting to be held I did not have time to eat.  Many days it would suddenly be 3:00 in the afternoon and I'd realize I hadn't eaten a thing.  So yeah, forget about making dinner.  Poor Jeff, I don't know what he ate all of those months, but it certainly wasn't anything that I cooked!

The crying...it was never-ending.  My poor, poor, sweet baby did nothing but cry from the time she was 2 1/2 weeks old until she was 5 or 6 months.  We called her "sensitive" but really she was colicky.  I never really understood the whole "colic" thing until we were going through it with Claire.  Basically, for anyone else who's unfamiliar, the baby cries constantly, typically for hours at a time.  Nothing helps, and it doesn't matter what you do, the crying continues.  Claire would be fussy all day long, take little catnaps here and there, and then scream for at least 3 hours straight at night.  One night she started screaming at 5:30 and did not stop until after midnight.  Like really, truly, did not stop, screamed her little head off straight for 7 hours. 

There is a reason why prison camps use recordings of crying babies to torture their prisoners (I'm not making this stuff up.  You can look it up!).  I would have done anything, said anything, to get the crying to stop.  It pushed me to the edge of reason.  Sometimes I would rock Claire at night, useless in comforting her, and just say to her, "Please stop...other babies do not cry this much, I know they don't.  Please just stop..."  Other times it took all of the self-control I had in me to not absolutely lose my mind.  There is a reason why they make you watch the video about "Never shake a baby" before you leave the hospital.  The doctors and nurses should probably make a surprise visit to your house a month after you get discharged and make you watch it again, just in case.  I never would have done anything to hurt Claire.  Luckily I am educated enough to know when to step away and what to do to keep my sanity.  Some nights it killed me to put her down in her crib and walk away, but there was just nothing else I could do and nothing that would make the crying stop.  I understand why people do terrible things to their crying babies.  I don't think it's okay and I don't condone it, but I understand it now.  The incessant crying pushes you to your absolute limit.  Then, of course, throw into the mix the fact that this screaming crying being lets you get, if you're lucky, 2 hours of sleep at a stretch.  Utter sleep deprivation and a colicky baby do not make for a good time.  I could have asked for more help from family members, but I remember thinking that I could never put anyone else through taking care of Claire because it was that bad.  Besides, what would I have done?  Sat upstairs and listened to the crying from the bedroom?  I certainly couldn't have caught up on sleep while she was downstairs screaming!

More than anything else, I felt like a complete failure as a mother.  Here I was, with this beautiful baby girl, totally unable to make her comfortable.  I questioned myself as a mother constantly.  I never felt like I was doing a good enough job with her because she was always so unhappy.  My one job, the only thing I had to worry about for my 12 weeks of leave, was to take care of her, and I couldn't do it.  It was heartbreaking.  No, heartbreaking is too cliche...It was the most painful, most difficult, saddest, most stressful thing I had ever been through in my life. 

I'm sharing this because it is an important part of the history of our little family.  It's not pleasant to relive it, but maybe someone who is going through something similar will read it and know that they are not alone in their feelings.  I can stand here and say that not only did we survive, but we came out strong.  Look at us now!

And because there were a few times when Claire wasn't crying...

The first smile I caught on camera!

But just in case you don't believe me...

The shirt says it all, "If I'm not happy, NOBODY'S happy".  Word.

I'll spare you the rest... ;)